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I've decided to just talk...
Once I was a victim. Now, I am a survivor.
From my picture you can see that I'm just like anyone else. I struggle with
my weight, and the relationships with my children. I am far from perfect.
I was raised in a home that suffered from many ailments... alcoholism,
poverty, sexual abuse, mental illness... just name it.
All my life I've kept my story as instructional as possible. It’s
easier that way. I've talked about many parts of my abuse, but never put
the whole story together. I've spent a lot of time trying to write about my
experiences and I can't. I carried the abuse I grew up with into the home I
desperately wanted to make for my own children. I married an abusive man.
There are many kinds of abuse.
When I try to put my story into words, I am still ashamed of what was done
to me, and what I in turn did to my children.
I hurt so much when I think of the past.
I never asked for help. I muddled through everything on my
own. To someone else, I would say, please, ASK for help.
I refuse to keep the secret of abuse any longer in the hopes that it will
stop with me.
I won't deny that it happened; I will not pretend that it will go away. I
can talk about it, and will, when the need arises. Sometimes I talk about
it because I can’t help myself. But there are too many aspects of my
abuse to try to justify why I did what I did, or made the choices I had to
make. There's too much that gets left out when I try to write about my
experiences.
The bible says the sins of the father's are visited to the seventh
generation. Maybe that's not the exact wording, but I certainly understand
the meaning. I pray that Creator will be merciful to me. The Indians teach
that we are responsible for seven generations. THAT is sobering and sad.
Everyone's story is so heartbreaking. . . and there are so many things that
we DON'T tell when barring our souls. I don't think we ever really
understand WHY these things happen to us. I think that if we are lucky, we
learn to forgive ourselves and keep living. If anyone wants to just talk,
please feel free to contact me. It's so very important that we stop the
abuse for our children's sakes.
There are ways to stop it.
 NEXT
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