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I have
opinions.
I know what I like.
My name is Amber Lee Paschal. I was born Cole, adopted Smith.
I was born on June 23, 1960, in Orange, CA.
My wedding anniversary is March 3, 1999.
I've been married twice.
I have 6 children, all born at home.
I am 5'91/2" tall and weigh 200 lbs.
My hair is dark brown and my eyes are hazel.
My favorite colors are red, yellow, black and purple.
I love being at home.
My kitchen is my favorite place.
My favorite book is "The Best Loved Poems of the American
People".
My favorite movies are "Tammy and the Bachelor", and
"Where The Heart Is".
I don't expect perfection from the people in my life, only truthfulness.
I don't have to like what they say or do . . . I just don't want to be
lied to.
My childhood suffered from mental illness, sexual abuse, alcoholism, and
poverty. My first marriage was abusive. I almost killed myself. I chose
to live.
Religion is a hard area for me. I've had many difficult years where it
was used as an excuse for extreme control over my life. My husband is the
son of a minister who was disfellowshiped for not taking care of his
family. We pretty much avoid the subject. We both have a lot of scars.
My religious beliefs are not very focused.
I do not go to church
I believe every day should be treated as Holy.
I think children should be taught wrong from right.
Every day, I great the sunrise
and thank my Creator for another day.
In October of 1999 I had a car accident. I truely expected to die. In all
my life I've never felt any desire stronger than I had at that moment. I
had to touch my son. My life did not flash before my eyes; his did; and
how he was going to grow up without me.
I literally walked away from that car, carrying my little boy. I can
barely think of it without bursting into tears. I broke 3 ribs, bit my
hand, and busted my bottom lip from biting my hand. Geoffie hit his mouth
on the door where he'd been resting his head.
I don't claim that this was a religious experience, or that there were
angels involved. It was extremely stressful and no one helped us. But
what I do know, is that it's changed the way I look at things. I value
the people in my life so much more than I ever did before. And I'm
talking about talking to God again . . . and to be honest, it's been
years since I even considered it . . .
I miss my children, but I don't want them with me anymore. I cry over
this a lot.
I laugh, and I play, and I enjoy my son, and I love my husband. I have
friends. I've learned to stop protecting myself, and I try to give to
others. I've learned to stop feeling like I'm worthless if I let the
dishes sit overnight. I can stop working and play with my son and not
feel guilty.
I see everything in my life as a blessing. I am not perfect, and I am
happy.
 back to my
treasures
a
relationship destroyed
Mother's Day Reflections
May 2000
My children think I gave up the
right to be called "Mother"
I don't think anyone has the right to judge me so harshly. I thought that
choosing to go on and live was the bravest thing I ever did.
Recently I talked with a young lady where I work about church. She made a
comment that made so much sense to me. She said that God promises to make
new what was damaged. It's in God's hands, not mine to fix what was
broken. When I look back, all I do is experience intense pain. I'm not
capable of fixing what is wrong for my kids. Only God can do it. It's my
responsibility to give it all to Him . . .
It's the best I know how to do.
Here's my answer to my daughter's journal entry. Maybe someday I'll get
to a point where my kids don't hurt me. I sure hope so. Closing thoughts . . .
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