Kayla wrote me a poem today. I let her read my journal. Maybe it was the right thing, maybe not. to my moma
from Kayla
My mother
My mother is strong yet weak.
She knows how to fight for what she wants.
She knows how to live.
She knows how to love.
She sees the best in everything.
And this is why I love her so much.
I love her strength,
I love her beauty,
But the reason I love her the most of all
is what she's been through
and the woman she has become.
What can I say to this? She is my heart. I am afraid of her. I love her. Oh God, help us.
Updating our story, my 14 year old daughter is now in our home. Her father refused to let her come back home after they had an arguement. He left her at a youth meeting she attended and she went home with friends. He didn't know where she was and wouldn't check to see if she was ok. After 3 days, I called the school and checked on her. She hadn't been to her school, but was found at the high school. The school called DEFACS. A counselor got her to call me and I told her I could not leave her at the mercy of her various friends parents. I told her I wanted her and she came. This will not be easy either. I won't jepardize my current family if the girls refuse to help themselves, but we have to allow them the opportunity to escape from the same home I ran from. The control and neglect have left bad scars on my girls. Kaiha starts school here on Tuesday.
Well, things have settled down. Kaiha is still clinging to friends from where she was, but she's ok. She's making new friends here, too.
Kayla is working and seems to be more comfortable. I've finally got a space fixed for each to call her own. We agreed to not threaten to kick them out of our home for the fighting and bad habits, but I reserved the right to push their butts outside into the cold to get their attention! So far so good!
I really don't want to lay out the pain we've felt these last few months trying to get the girls to become a part of our family. As time has gone on we've been lied to and manipulated and played against each other. The cigarettes are GOD, and the laziness has overwhelmed us. My husband and I are weary. The lies have become so bad we can't believe anything that either of the girls say. I can't trust them to be alone in my home, and to have to leave my son with them tears at my conscience. I don't want to send them back, but their actions are making the choice for me.
Well, we made it for 4 months before the rescue mission failed. The girls just refused to be brought into this family. The common refrain right now is that I chose Steve over my own children. The decision to care for myself was made long ago and sadly, it had to be reinforced AGAIN. I wanted this meld to work with all my heart. They wouldn't help, or do what was required of them (which wasn't much), nor would they respect the household rules and needs. Having them here could have been my life's dream come true. Instead it was a nightmare that I was afraid was going to suck another family into the bowels of distress. I made Kayla leave on March 23rd. Kaiha chose to go with her.
updated, 5-29-2000
It is my opinion that the anger my children have and foster toward me is the direct result of their father's refusing to let go of his anger. By leaving, I removed his physical control over me. By never saying anything to our children when they miss me, or correcting their anger, or even comforting them, he allows them to help him continue to hurt me. I know this sounds strange. But children need guidance. Mine have been embraced/folded into, their father's abuse of me. I don't know how to fix this. We may be forever estranged. This is the saddest thing in my life. Yep, even after 7 years, the control issue still exists.
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